Whiskey Lullaby
by SinisterShadows
Summary: After Alec visits Rachel, he tries to forget the horrible experience by drinking a bottle of whiskey. But it only makes him reflect on the whole experience. After Berrisford Agenda. Inspired by the song Whiskey Lullaby.


Whiskey Lullaby

Hey, this is my first Dark Angel so tell me what you think. I decided that I should start off with a one shot to see if this was a good category for me to write in. Thanks!! Enjoy!!

Disclaimer: Don't own it but if I did there would be more than two seasons.

Whiskey Lullaby

Lost, that was the one word you could use to describe X5-494. It seemed as if everything was out of his grip. He wanted it, but couldn't reach it.

Alec got up and walked over to the counter. He took a bottle of whiskey and started to pour some into his glass; it was the one thing he could reach. He wasn't an avid whiskey drinker; scotch was more his type, but tonight he figured that since he had it he should break out the bottle. If he wasn't going to remember the events of the night, which was the plan, then it was better that he better down the whiskey than the scotch.

He finished pouring himself a glass and then put the cap back on the bottle. Alec picked up the glass and stared at the liquid. He swirled it around a couple of times before he swallowed it. He grimaced at the taste, but still poured himself more.

Instead of just sitting back down in the comfy arm chair without the bottle, he took it with him. 'No point to have to get up again he reasoned.'

Alec made himself comfortable and then rested his head against the back of the chair. So much had gone on that night. There was so much to think over, so much to forget.

Taking another swig of whiskey, he realized that the effects of it were finally starting to take place. His vision was getting fuzzy and his alertness was wearing off.

'Whatever', he thought. The only thing he wanted right now was to not be able to remember anything… at all.

As Alec lost his senses, music started to play. 'What is that?' He strained his ears to try to find out what the song was, but to no avail.

After a couple of minutes of listening he knew that it was a piano piece, but nothing more. It was soft, more like back round music at a party, but still beautiful.

The melody went on until something sparked in Alec's mind: a memory. A memory of him teaching a girl the piano; a memory of him teaching a girl that song; a memory he wanted to forget.

He immediately started to block the music from coming into his mind. He didn't want it there, he didn't want what it was making him think, remember and regret.

Alec started to panic. He couldn't forget now. He couldn't move on with his life because of it. No, he had to; he had to go on even without her. Without her and without the memories; a clean slate, a second chance.

They started to come faster now, a laugh, a smile, things that when she was alive were normal and beautiful. Then the words came.

_ "I like you."_

There was a vision of blue water and a dim light from above. But he focused in on her face and the smile that adorned it. The twinkle in her eyes as she expressed her emotions, brighter than the light reflecting off of her silver locket.

And he remembered what he had told her too. He remembered the emotional rush that he had had that night. Their first kiss… their first sign of love.

_"Simon, why are you in here?" _

Here she was again, a little while later. She had caught him doing his job. Stealing information, planning to kill, doing what he was trained to do. He had avoided her questions with a lie, another one to add to his mountain of excuses he had used to keep his cover safe.

Alec knew what would come next; he also knew that he couldn't handle it. It was just too hard. So he took a gulp of whiskey, trying to prolong it. He didn't want to see it, not now, not ever. But still the words came.

_"I love you."_

Heartache, love, fear, sadness, regret. So many emotions he was feeling from those two little words. She had been his life until that moment. She had been everything until they (Meaning the Manticore team that blew up the car) did it. Everything… then it came….

…A slap. Alec touched his face to see if it had really happened. It hadn't but it felt like it had. He had told her what his life was about, what he had done to her. It wasn't his fault, he had had no choice. They would've exposed of him if he had not.

Wrong, he had had a choice. And he chose wrong. He could've tried harder, he should've. If he had she would still be here. Why had he let her go? Why had he stood there, when he knew what was going to happen? Why had he stared after her? And most importantly, why had he hesitated? He loved her, didn't he? Why did he hesitate?

_Boom_! In his mind's eye, he could see the explosion. It was exactly like it had been that day. From the noise to the fire to the scream that followed it.

_"Rachel!!" _

It had been his scream. His sadness, his worry, his fear, his regret. Alec took another gulp of whiskey. His fault…., his hesitation.

All his life he had wanted to be a good solider and follow orders, and here, this one girl had changed his life. She was wonderful and charming, and most importantly she loved him, and now she was gone. There was nothing he could do about it. No one could change the past. No one would ever see him as normal again. He was just like his twin: a monster, a genetically enhanced mishap.

No… he wasn't like Ben. He couldn't be. He hadn't planned to kill Rachel. He was told to. There's a difference. Ben killed his victims out of pure exhilaration. Alec hadn't, it was an order, an order he had had to follow.

_Crash. _He fell off of his bike when he realized where he was. The mansion, where it had all happened. Then there was Max trying to get him to ring the door bell so they could deliver the package properly. Alec did what he was told, but there was no answer. No answer from his beloved Rachel. He had told Max that they were leaving and when she argued back he had ordered her, almost like he was one of the officers back at Manticore.

Alec came back to the present time. He realized that his glass was empty and took the time to refill it, all the way to the top. He took a sip and realized that the music had never stopped. The song just repeated after it ended. It was like it was on a loop or something.

Alec was pulled back into his memories by the song. A cell phone. Alec saw himself answer it numerous times. Then it flashed to him creeping up a flight of stairs so he could see into the house. He started to search the house. Then his eyes swept over a window. He saw a figure, a female figure, a figure that could have been Rachel.

All he heard was what he was hearing now, _the_ song… never-ending and always stunning.

He heard a stun rod go off and suddenly remembered the pain where Berrisford's henchmen had stunned him that one night not so long ago.

A fight filled his vision. He punched and then threw one of the men across the street and he rolled by a car. Then he saw himself kicking the man unmercifully. Eventually Max stopped him, but he hadn't wanted her help at all.

Alec saw himself running to the mansion. He was in search of Rachel. At the time, he thought that she was there, he thought she was alive. Now he knew better.

He frantically pulled on the door to the house and then hurried inside. The guards that met him were taken down easily, almost too easily, but he hadn't thought about that. He had just wanted to find Rachel.

He watched as the memory showed himself walking into the room and being met by a girl that was about Rachel's age with her back to him.

"_Rachel?"_

No. Someone else. It had been a trap, a scam, a con, he had realized as the gun came to his back and the voice welcomed him back.

Then, the conversation he had only had hours ago, replayed in his mind. One thing stood out the most from it. His own voice, his own question.

_"What happened to Rachel?"_

And the answer he got nearly killed him.

Alec held the whiskey glass in his hand as if he were glued to it. The answer to his question was not what he had thought. It was worse. He had made her comatose. His love had been dying for years now. It was his fault, his shame, his regret. 'And my hesitation,' Alec reminded himself with dark humor.

The memory of only two hours ago came to mind. He sat at the side of Rachel's bed, holding her hand.

_"I'm sorry Rachel."_

Diving back into the memory he saw himself put her locket into her hand with tear-stained fingers. He stared at it for a second before he broke down. Weakness… but he didn't care. That was the one weakness that his DNA had: emotional weakness.

"I'm sorry Rachel," Alec said out loud. It was better to forgive than to forget.

Even if he tried he wouldn't be able to forget her, he knew that now after downing a bottle of whiskey. Never… and he didn't want to.

Pulling a picture of her happy into his mind, Alec smiled, and let the music be loud and strong. He closed his eyes and let the memories go through his head again, the happy ones, mind you.

Soon enough, he was towed into unconsciousness with the piano playing in the back of his mind. His whiskey lullaby…


End file.
